The Hard Truth

Facing the truth isn’t easy and it’s certainly not easy when you realize it yourself. Over the past few months, I’ve realized several hard truths of my own that have made me sad, disappointed, even disgusted with myself. It all started back in August, when I lived in a land of ignorance and thought I had my life under control. HA!

Hard Truth #1: I’m Not Happy with Myself

I’ve been functioning on auto pilot for so long. An “opportunity” presented itself in August and I, stupidly, jumped on it. Why? Because I wasn’t happy with myself. In turn, by not being happy with myself, I wasn’t happy with other relationships in my life, which included my marriage. I ended up participating in something I shouldn’t have for a couple of months and was left feeling far worse about myself than when I started. I’ve spent the past few months trying to move past this and some days are better than others. Therapy has been helpful but it’s a slow process.

Although I was a complete and utter dumb ass, there is something positive that came out of all of this. My marriage is on the road to recovery and I realized I wasn’t happy with myself. I’m working on finding myself again and learning what makes me happy. I’m not seeking happiness from anything or anyone other than myself. My husband and I have spent a great deal of time talking to one another, which is something we haven’t done much of during our marriage.

Hard Truth #2: I Cannot Be Trusted with Food

If you’ll recall, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, dropped 60 pounds and cured myself. Well, that was short-lived. I saw my doctor last week and weighed in at 259 pounds! That means I’ve only kept off 19 pounds. Hmph! So, that means I have 2 choices; I can let it get to me and put the other 19 pounds and more on, or I can tell myself that I have a 19 pound head start. I’m choosing the latter.

Why can’t I be trusted with food? Because I freakin’ eat it…ALL of it! When my doctor took me off metformin, I told myself that I had this under control. Well, lying is never good, especially to yourself. I shouldn’t have told myself that, let alone believed it. I know better. If I could control my damn food, I wouldn’t have blown up to 278 pounds in the first place. Right or wrong? Right! I’m an emotional eater so it doesn’t take much for me to abuse food.

I dusted off my FitBit yesterday, strapped it on, and cleaned the house. I ended up having to contact support because there was an issue with syncing and updating. Long story short, all of my data from yesterday was lost but it finally updated and synced with the app. Gotta take the good with the bad. Just because my data was lost doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Hard Truth #3: I’m Lazy

I’m the freakin’ queen of excuses when it comes to exercise…and a few other things. Most days, I’d rather lie around on the couch and binge watch my favorite shows than do anything else. That’s a side effect of depression and not being happy with myself. I’m working on those things every single day. I tend to feel overwhelmed most days and that makes me shut down entirely. I don’t want to meal prep or cook these days either. I want to grab whatever is easy, whether it’s good for me or not.

I find it difficult to do the simplest of things, such as wash my face and brush my teeth. I’m sure that’s the depression but still. No one wants to feel like that. I’ve also found that I’m not as productive as I or others believe me to be. I haven’t been consistent with my Filofax in a long time and I can see a huge difference in what I get done….or don’t.

The Hard Truth-pin

It’s hard to look at yourself in the mirror and admit your truth but it’s necessary. You HAVE to admit it before you can accept it, change it, learn from it, and grow. This year is all about that process for me. I have a lot to work on and it’s hard not to get overwhelmed when I look at the big picture. BUT – with the help of my goal setting action plan, I’m able to break my goals down into smaller, more manageable ones to, hopefully, decrease my anxiety and feelings of overwhelm. Here’s to admitting hard truths and changing them!

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Bobbi